[Entry Without Title]

As I'm beginning to blog about my thoughts, I don't know how to begin and what title to make out of this entry. Maybe my vocabulary isn't good or I'm just too mentally drained... anyway I can only describe how I feel now is - tired, numb but yet comforted (Sounds familiar right??)

Tired and Numb

Since the past 2 weeks or so, work's been getting the drain of me. I know this is nothing new for most people but I seldom feel so drained about work itself. So far, if I'm ever tired due to work, its because of the working relations and how work politics are being played out. But I'm recently feeling the drain due to the work load. I cannot answer why my work load's been the peak recently. Things just just pile up altogether. My colleague pointed out to me that I'm burnt out. (Strangely I never thought "burnt out" would be used in relation to my job. It has only been used in my service in ministries) I know why she said I'm burnt out... Of late, I've been making mistakes in my job which I could bang my head against the wall for making those mistakes and I can't figure out where my cow sense went to. Many things come in and out of my head that I either overlook matters and details, or just concerned about getting the work done and forget about the relational aspect and the having common sense to handle matters sensitively and wisely. SIGH... I don't know what can help... maybe a holiday?? I really don't know.

Other than work, I'm also tired with relationships. Don't get me wrong that I'm tired of relating with people. I'm just tired that I cannot be myself when I relate to some people around me. I guess its common to have your intentions misunderstood. But I find it tiring and scary to have to always think carefully how I word every word when I speak to some people. I fully understand about having to be tactful in speech and I am still learning to be more careful in speech. But I find that I'm growing to distant myself from talking to people whom I realised, take my jokes personally and reading my jokes/teasing to personal attacks offensively. I don't like to have to guess if he/she is ok if I were to be myself, to crack a joke and say something. Along with that, I don't like to have to guess if he/she has good or bad intentions (this also happened at workplace). I like to be sincere and honest and likewise, to relate to sincere and honest people. I guess I don't like to put up a fence when relating with people. So when I'm put in a position to have to do that to protect myself, I dislike it.

Comforted

However having said all that, I know that in this sinful and imperfect world, things are like that - be it relating with Christians or non-Christians, colleagues or family or friends. The Bible reminds me that I have the eternal hope in Christ, where at the end of the day, Christ will reign over evil, sin and imperfection and I am promised eternity and a perfect relationship with our Creator God. All the imperfection will be perfected by our Creator. Justice will triumphed over injustice. Good will triumphed over evil. The wronged would be avenged. I look forward to that day where I need not have to be wary of things and people as a self-protective mechanism.

I'm also blessed to have friends who are concerned to be there for me, to have older sisters in Christ and friends to encourage me and to guide me. I'm blessed to have some whom I can trust that they will not 'bully' me and thinking for my own good and to help me see things in a different perspective. I'm blessed to have friends who allow me to be myself and knows me well enough to allow me to be myself.... to be gracious to forgive and forget. I'm thankful also for elderly mentors in my workplace who sees me as their 'daughters' to be nice and gracious to me and for my boss to find favour with me despite my imperfection.

When I now conclude, I still can't find a title for my blog entry.... Maybe to remind myself of these verses in the Bible "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18